WILL UNWOUND #667: “The First Annual Unwinders Conference”
January 27, 2012An Unwinder, I think it was Linda, suggested we start putting together plans for a major library conference here in the Unwinder’s Tavern. I’m all for it. Since the Tavern lives in the cloud, we can float anywhere and plunk it down in any city or galaxy, but no, not Dallas…I prefer Ft. Worth… and we can hold it at any time of the year. This is going to require a tavern group think. Listed below are my ideas for persons, places, and programs. No doubt you have your own ideas. So let’s have them.
Here are my preferences (but I can be overruled…get out your aluminum baseball bats):
Place: New York City (great art museums for conference downtime)
Time: Christmas time (no place better for Christmas)
Musical entertainment: Harry Connick Jr. and Diana Krall, best tavern singers alive.
Tavern Chef: Martha Stewart (her pies and tarts are heavenly)
Tavern Mixologists: Boris and Maggie
Bar Food: spiced cashews and hot popcorn
Tavern Security: Mick
Reception, Social Event, and Party Planner: P.C. Sweeney, J.P Porcaro, and the ALA Think Tank
Conference Correspondents: Bev Goldberg and George Eberhart from American Libraries (they’re awesome)
Keynote Speakers: Michael Gorman (The Library Profession’s Finest Mind) and Nancy Pearl (America’s Favorite Librarian)
Author Panel: Seance with John Updike and John Cheever
Top Technology Trends Speaker: Joe Schallan (Tells it like it is and makes you want to laugh and cry simultaneously)
Management Speaker: Jenica Rogers (If I’m head of a library director search committee, my search begins and ends with her. She’s the best, and she gives great presentations)
Notable Book List Arbiters: Bill Ott and the Booklist Gang (Best book people in the business. No one is close to them.)
YA Author: John Green (nuff said)
Children’s Author: Seance with A. A. Milne.
Debate: Safe Library Guy, Dan Kleinman vs. Intellectual Freedom Office Director, Barbara Jones
Cataloging Workshop: R.A. Stewart (the man’s a guru)
Ebooks: Jamie LaRue (he’s way far ahead of the rest of the profession)
Reference – Past, Present, and Future: Jim Rettig (the librarian for all seasons).
Comic Relief – The Annoyed Librarian
Comic Relief 2.0 – The Effing Librarian
Academic Libraries – Barbara Fister (plus she tells great mysteries)
Program Titles I would like to see:
- “Top Ten Tips For How to Get Out of the Director’s Doghouse after you’ve gotten drunk and insulted his/her spouse at the staff Christmas Party”
- Mud Wrestling Tournament – “Catalogers vs. Metadata Specialists”
- Vendor Presentation – “The Robotic Bookdrop that does Home Invasions of Chronic Delinquent Borrowers”
- “The Origin of Catalogers – Alien Invasion or the Lost Tribe of Israel?”
- “Top Ten Uses of Obsolete Reference Librarians”
- “Top Ten Uses of Deceased Catalogers”
- “A Psychiatrist’s Field Guide to Problem Patrons”
- “Top Ten Ways to Keep Patrons Away from You”
- “The Cataloging/Reference Divide: Can it be Bridged”
- “How you can tell if Your Child Will Grow Up to be a Cataloger”
- “Top Ten Signs that Your Circ Clerk may be on the Verge of a Psychotic Episode”
- “Cave Man Returns Library Book 20,000 Years Overdue: How to Get Good Publicity for your Library”
- “Bankruptcy Advice for LIS students with 5 digit student loans”
- ”Using the Obituaries to get a jump on Library Job Openings”
- Vendor Presentation: New iPhone App – “Angry Librarians”
I’ll have to skip the mud wrestling since I’m neither a cataloger nor a metadata specialist…sigh….
A seance with John Steinbeck would be entertaining. And I second Nancy Pearl!
Great. Thanks for getting us rolling, Cathi.
Mostly I’m with you. However:
Who wants to go to the Northeast in winter? It will most likely be cold and damp, with an outside chance of being snowed in. (That actually happened to me once and I’m not sure whether it’s plus or a minus.) I’m sure Central Park is lovely in either May or October.
Martha Stewart is not a professional chef. How about the cooks from Sylvia’s Restaurant.
How about spiced nuts? Let’s make it inclusive. Whatever we have, let’s not have mini-tacos. You end up wearing them.
Why don’t we have a Murder at the Conference game? We could have a seance, chanel Stieg Larsson and call it The Girl who unwound the library profession or something. (Just a comment: you are going to need a lot of professional mediums to bring this off.)
Some of your program titles suggest a hostility to catalogers. (Actually, I expect this from library administrators.) It might be better if you thought of catalogers as practitioners of an ancient religion than as useful mutants. I used to tell people that my department practiced something akin to voodoo and that we were considering child sacrifices. When I told my nonfiction cataloger that, he suggested that he was in favor of anything that would improve our computer interface with our automated system.
Could we add a program entitled “I dream of genealogy: avoiding the genealogy customer while being as offensive as possible.”
I would be far more interested in a program that gives ten signs that the director might be on the brink of a psychotic episode.
Actually, I think that most of the library directors are not going to get too far from the robotic bookdrop display.
Beth, great ideas…all. First on catalogers. I kid them because of the profession’s deepest, darkest secret (catalogers have the best senses of humor in the profession). You can only kid people who can take it. Very, very good suggestion about directors going wonky. Been there! Love the Steig Larsson seance idea. Why Martha? It’s personal.
I know the librarians who will win the award for avoiding (us) genealogists. They put the great genealogy collection in a narrow stairwell in a tower (that required sign-in for) in the new library (that leaked, of course, given the architect was Leaky Larry). Eventually, the remains of the genealogy collection went to the local genealogy society’s private-run library.
I wish more of you loved genealogists and genealogy collections, but I do understand some of the less able practitioners could drive librarians bats.
Genealogists can be maddening. But they would probably think my hobbies are wacky too.
The funniest thing is when genealogists are so happy about discovering some mis-behavior in their ancestors. I’ve had them yelling with glee about my ancestor who ran a tavern without a license and got fined OR got sued by A. Lincoln’s client OR my great grandfather who was convicted of “contributing to the deliquency of a minor” by getting a girl preggers. Woo ho!
I second Sylvia’s chefs. Best meal EVER.
How about a seminar on How to get children (your own) into reading?
I’ll be first in line to watch the Mud Wrestling.
What no meetings on E-books and publishers? Too serious?
May I lead the discussion on “Will’s Mystery Project: Defunct or Deferred”?
Alice…look again. I have suggested Jamie LaRue, who is doing great things with publisher ebook contracts at his public library system in Colorado. thanks for mentioning the mystery project: I am just in the early phases of resurrecting it. Also, I have included mystery writer Barbara Fister on the preferred speaker list. ps…You are the one who started the mystery project, right?
Oh and I love the robotic bookdrop idea, but could it hold on to the patron’s arm until the books are returned?
I love Beth’s ideas above; I was composing while she posted and didn’t see them before. However Martha Stewart did work as a caterer in her early career so I think she qualifies…but who wants to put up with her antics? (I once spoke to someone who worked for her…best left unsaid.)
Alice…The Martha thing? It’s personal. Nuff said.
Will:
Sorry I don’t know all the eminent librarian names so I didn’t connect all the dots.
Yes, I own up to being the Mystery fomentor. I’ll look forward to hearing more about it.
That’s a stirling idear Will, Make it real though! Christmas is a bad time for a Conference, many other things conflicting…how about post ALA by 2 weeks…
We could do live video feeds from the guest speakers and/or panel members; even canned ones if that’s to hard…give keynoters carte blanc, to talk about whatever they want to a bunch of librarians for X minutes…same for panels on topics.
Author panel does not have to be the dearly departed. I vote for inviting William Gibson (who coined cyberspace) and Steward Brand (Whole Earth Catalog, etc.), as keynoters. Ray Kurtzwiler perhaps?
To bad Bucky Fuller is gone along…
whoo-hooo
This revolution rought to you by your Cloud, which is not localized in any one tacky place, but is brought to you live prefereably not televised…
Seance with Bucky…love it, John. Great idea.
I love the suggested classes, especially the one keeping patrons away. We could get so much more done!
May I suggest the Psyche-Deli at my house near beautiful Monterey, California?? Much warmer. I feature items like Savoy Truffles and 10 Years After wine…lol. I also make some mean cocktails. I have been known to put the fun in dysfunctional! Count me in.
Perfect…very close to home.
We’ve got to have a midwest edition of this conference. Chicago or Indianapolis have great bars and restaurants…
Plus we can have the not-show-you-are-angry anger contest with polite Midwestern librarians doing the “Well I’m just saying…” or “A lot of folks would do that differently…” shuffle.
Agree about Indianapolis…great convention city. Also agree about Midwestern anger. Great comment, Dee.
Thanks Will.
could we have a synchronized bookcart demonstration or contest?
Only if you promise that they would be more exciting than synchronized swimming.
How about a solo book truck dance? Already practicing in the backroom.
New York City!?!?!?
Get a rope!
Why?
Don’t tell me you never saw that ad.
No. Please explain.
Okey Dokey:
Maybe we could do a pre-conference seance to pull up Leona Helmsley to supervise a good spring cleaning style sprucing up of the tavern. We’ll let her bring in her own crew for the clean up—as she will NOT be bossing our tavern staff around!
We can get plenty of mediums from Lily Dale as long as we are not wanting them during their busy summer season. I don’t believe many of them winter in Lily Dale.
I am not a fan of the rivalry between D & FW, but have a special spot in my heart for FW. For my money neither are ideal conference locations and I say that in a very loving way.
While we’re pulling up the dead past—lets ring up our old buddy Jerome K. Jerome. He could present something along the lines of “Make ‘EM Laugh”.
JKJ….definitely! Also, had my best Mexican meal ever in a TexMex restaurant in FW in 83. Can’t remember the name of the place. Had a large outdoor dining area.
That would have been Joe T. Garcia’s–likely. Yep it is one of the best!
Yes…that’s the one. Thanks.
I’d like to submit a proposal for a talk. My talk would be titled, “Get Off Your High Horse Already & Get Out of the Library: Outreach & Marketing For Dummies.” (Yes, I do still plan to write something for you about that. Someday…)
Awesome!
Will, I’m deeply honored. (Blush. Aw shucks. Etc.) I like all the seances. How about a poetry seance with Robert Frost and W.H. Auden, and Walt as long as he’s hanging around? Let’s see if we can book Emily Dickinson too; I’ll bet she’s not so shy after 126 years in the Great Beyond and would have some witty comments on the current poetry scene.
New York sounds good. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve never been there. I propose we spend one of our evenings in quest of the best Manhattan in Manhattan.
Can we throw in Sandburg to the mix?
The more the merrier!
R.A. we have to get you to NY. That said Christmas is not the best time. The tourists invade and it’s hard to even walk through Grand Central! And the possibility of snow is a definite deterrent (though they clean midtown very well). Any time you do make it (and this goes for other Unwinders), I’ll get you to NYPL, Pierpont Morgan and the NY Historical Society and we’ll have a drink at the Oyster Bar!
Who needs museums? Don’t forget the library field trips in NYC: NYPL 42nd Street and 5th Avenue, home of the World’s Most Wonderful Reading Room; the Pierpont Morgan Library, home of the Most Amazing Rich Man’s Collection in the World; and the New-York (gotta get that hyphen in) Historical Society. In all three places, you feel the truth of the great Borges line: “I had always imagined Paradise as a kind of Library.”
Rick, in 20 years will these libraries be museums?
I hope not! However their services and activities evolve, I’m confident they will remain the great centers of learning and knowledge-building they have been and continue to be.
Missing New York and yes, those library-museums! They are incredible places to indulge in nostalgia. In 34 years of living there, I cannot recall a single time I did anything but sit and read a book I had brought with me, or daydream of actually buying something in the shops.
Will, I’m honored, though I scarcely consider myself up to date on every technical trend. (But then, technical trends being what they are, who is?)
I’ll speak as long as you also let me tell a few golfing priest jokes.
Using the obituaries to get a jump on library job openings? Already been done.
I’m talking about that unique jobs board, LibrarianDeathWatch.com, of course. My hat is off to the team that obsessively scans the obits of 1,730 daily papers across the country and then aggregates their results on the site. (My understanding is that you can order hits through them as well, although that service is understandably sub rosa.)
Market forces come into play. We have a glut of job-seeking librarians and a shortage of retirees, so the price of hits has risen markedly. The cost of having an icy patch sprinkled with banana peels installed outside the staff exit of a library building is now in student-loan territory, I understand.
(Those of you still working should be advised and wear those spiky things you strap to the soles of your shoes that I don’t know the name of because I live in Phoenix, where it is 70 and sunny today with the scent of orange blossoms in the air.)
In any case, for those of you in the library workplace, when a colleague fails to appear one morning and at about 10 am an odd little man delivers a fish wrapped in newspaper to your desk, you’ll know what happened. Good luck on figuring out which of the 337 applicants for the vacancy is responsible.
LibrarianDeathWatch.com….I knew you were the guy for top technical trends.
•“The Cataloging/Reference Divide: Can it be Bridged” Speaking from experience, yes, it can. How? Assign your catalogers to the reference desk a few hours a week so they can help library users navigate the online catalog. Having solved that problem, I say we cross that program off the list and replace it with another seance.
Also, if enough libraries decide to have their catalogers work the reference desk, the programs on top ten uses of obsolete reference librarians and top ten uses of deceased catalogers could be combined due to crossover appeal.
I’m writing from New England, so I’m voting with the people who would like a winter conference somewhere warm, and the sooner the better.
Anita…what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. How about reference librarians working a few hours a week in cataloging?
“The Robotic Bookdrop that does Home Invasions of Chronic Delinquent Borrowers”
We already have something like this, of course, with 3M’s BookPolice™ product, which allows you to patrol neighborhoods with a 3M DLA (Digital Library Assistant), which for those of you who don’t know is a sort of transceiver that lets you seek and query RFID tags in library materials: “We’ve got six overdues at 1717 Elm Street. Let’s give the b—–ds a real nighmare!”
This is merely a transitional technology. 3M is testing a prototype of its LibBird™ device, a miniature drone aircraft developed from U.S. military technology. It can be attached to any item and when an item is due, it will simply fly itself back to the library the first time a resident of the house opens a door or window. In due course, with the shift from books and DVD discs to eThingies, library-owned eThingies will fly themselves home at the appropriate times. And with a built-in camera and motion sensors, an eThingy will be able to tell the librarian that yes, the borrower did drop me in her soup no matter what she says.
Isn’t technology wonderful?
So this is where Joe is hanging out these days….I will have to pay closer attention to the comments section of Will’s blog.
Hiya Nann! Great to see your name!
They’re more tolerant of crackpots here than over at PUBLIB, where there is a great deal of seriousness and earnestness.
I miss the comments of the sage John Richmond though.
More proof you’re the right tech guy for the conference!
Back to the conference program:
Panel presentations, all the way.
With speakers who read every single word of their power point presentations, including the captions of all of the New Yorker cartoons. (Just in case the audience can’t read.)
Yeah, because we all know librarians can’t read.
Hey, Will! I thought we were in favor of conventions, not conferences.
Now where did I put that party hat and my drink?
Do we really want hookers in the Unwinders Tavern?
Crochet enthusiasts? Sure, why not.
Power corrupts. PowerPoint corrupts absolutely. Edward Tufte
“Every time you make a PowerPoint, Edward Tufte kills a kitten.” http://www.monkeymountain.co.uk/sites/default/files/tufte-wallpaper1.png
(Before any unwinders get upset, I’m a crazy cat lady & I think it’s funny.)
The evidence suggests Tufte is a dog person. He has a diving dog on one of his books and his art work includes dog figures. ( viz. http://www.edwardtufte.com/tufte/ )
In the interests of full disclosure, I’ve had indirect dealings with Tufte ( helping him secure antique tools he used as templates for art work).
I love the idea of getting together and will look forward to hearing about (and seeing you tube videos) of the events. (Sorry I won’t be able to attent this first one. I will love hearing about it.)
Will, how about New York City in the spring or summer instead of winter so fewer of those going will be traveling in the snow though it sounds lovely in your description for those who CAN get there in winter?
It seems to me that Daniel Pinkwater would be a wonderful children’s book author to have in person (though I certainly don’t oppose the fun of seances to talk to Milne too). Alice Duncan’s Daisy Majesty mysteries are fun on the topic of fake seances.
A web site mentioning Pinkwater has written over 50 children’s books.
http://www.ipl.org/div/askauthor/Pinkwater.html
Pinkwater is a perfect addition. Thanks, Brenda.
I hear Pinkwater on public radio every once in a while — I get the impression he does not travel much.
Sounds like a SKYPE session to me.
He does not fly. He’s a rather huge person. But he’ll take the train.
He lives within train distance of NYC, so it’s a go!
You should get Jack Gantos, our new Newbery Medal winner, and Mo Willems as your childrens’ authors. I laughed so hard when I heard them speak that I was worried I would break a rib. In fact, you should put the two of them on a panel with John Green. I don’t attend a lot of conferences, but I would happily pay my own way to see that.
Catherine, a stellar idea. Thanks.
Check out Gantos on the January 28th “Wait, Wait, don’t Tell Me” — ( http://www.npr.org/2012/01/28/145998769/newbery-medal-winner-jack-gantos-plays-not-my-job ).
Gantos & Willems – Splendid idea! and Jon Scieszka too! We would need to provide oxygen for people attending that session b/c laughing too hard.
NYC is an excellent idea (I’d travel in the winter to NYC; this makes me think of my 11-year old nephew talking about how NYC smells in the summer–”like poop”). I’d also want to (if I could) see the UN. I’m also open to Chicago and Indianapolis.
Jeannine…Indianapolis is really a surprisingly good conference city. Great hotels and meeting facilities.
I really did like Indianapolis. When I was getting my MLS at IU, I went to IUPUI for Indiana Univ. Librarians Day (my internship supervisor invited me). While I didn’t get to explore Indianapolis, I really enjoyed what I was able to experience of it.
The conference/convention in the cloud is a great idea. That way we can have all the great programs, networking, and partying without all the big city ugliness, the shuttle buses, the airport, taxi, and hotel hassles, etc. that make so many conferences a grind. And we can savor all the great food and enjoy the best drinks without putting on pounds or getting plastered.
A few more program suggestions:
– Library buildings from Hell, and the demonic architects who did them
– Fifty sure-fire ways to fund a new library building — legally
– How to persuade an auditor that a staff retreat in Hawaii is absolutely necessary
Invite the auditor to join you in Maui for a first hand inspection?
What is a conference without a bibliography? Here’s my suggested reading. Warning: contains naughty words & pictures.
http://blog.bestamericanpoetry.com/the_best_american_poetry/2010/05/last-week-was-national-library-week-we-asked-poet-and-librarian-stephanie-brown-for-a-roundup-of-librarians-in-literature.html
Betty, very cool…I mean hot! Thanks for enlivening the conference.
Am I the only cataloger in the Unwinder’s Tavern? Hmmmm…and I don’t even like being one! But I agree with you about the sense of humor part–here’s proof: Why did the cataloger cross the road? Because MARC was on the other side. Ha. And yes, that is an original (obviously).
I think I would have a great time at this conference. However, I suggest you add yourself as either a keynote speaker or for a program. Then I would attend! : )
I plan on being MC.
Was that Marc Fields on the other side of the road? I went to library school with him.
I’ve had a rough time throughout my career with attempting to tell jokes to catalogers. Once, in frustration, I went to my supervisor: “I tell Nicole these great jokes and fabulous whoppers and she never laughs, and she always takes what I say literally.”
“That’s because you never preface your stories with metadata that tells her she should laugh. Until you prefix your story with ‘American wit and humor–Anecdotes, facetiae, satire, etc.’ you’re not going to get anywhere.”
I never tried that. Having to explain a joke just spoils it, and reciting an LCSH before a good story is close enough to explanation to wreck it.
You’re not the only cataloger in the Unwinders Tavern! And I like being one.
As for whether what I have can be called a sense of humor, opinions vary.
I’ve had a crazy week and am still playing catch up.
I vote for having a conference at an time — just say when and I’ll be there — and most of the suggestions above sound great so I’m all for incorporating as many of them as possible into our conference.
We should figure out what type of a fantasy hotel, adjacent to the Tavern of course, that we will be staying at… If we’re going to have a great time at the conference we should make it every better by having a hotel that meets all our needs. How about a hot tube in every suite, a 55” TV and all the eBooks you can read via a free Kindle of course!
Linda, do we project the ebooks onto the 55″ tv?
May not meet all your needs, Linda, but if we’re going to be in NYC, the conference hotel should be The Library Hotel, of course (even despite them getting in legal trouble with OCLC over their use of DDC – anyone remember that?). http://www.libraryhotel.com
Will, this is Dan, the “Safe Library Guy.” I accept your challenge, and I thank you for thinking of me. I have attempted to take on the ALA leaders directly but they refuse to engage. (Leaving out details for space reasons.) I suppose it is because they know I will not shrink from personal attack, I stick to the issues, and I cite reliable sources, often the ALA itself. Oh, I also have that tape recording of the award winning author admitting she was told by the ALA that the ALA fakes its annual top 10 challenged list.
Why just a week ago Barbara Jones misled the entire nation when she said, among other things, the blocking of breast cancer is a perfect example for why filters do not work. I wrote about that on my blog and called her a liar because she knows that’s a lie and she is in the #1 position in the country to know better.
One week later she finally admitted the breast cancer excuse is false and that filters work. So even she tacitly admits she’s been a liar all the time that particular false excuse was used.
I would LOVE to take her on one on one in a fair forum. Think of all the librarians afraid to speak out, as you have written, finally seeing the vaunted ALA OIF actually getting publicly challenged for its policies, methods of enforcing its policies, and damaged librarians left in the ALA’s anything-goes wake. Our meeting might be more popular than John Green’s!!!
I HEREBY CHALLENGE BARBARA JONES OR DEBORAH CALDWELL-STONE TO A DEBATE, IN PERSON, WHERE PEOPLE CAN WATCH US AND MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS FOR THEMSELVES.
For a flavor of what could be expected, see my latest blog post: “ALA Admits Library Filters Work; Barbara Jones Bursts Her Own Breast Cancer Bubble”:
http://safelibraries.blogspot.com/2012/02/ala-admits-library-filters-work-barbara.html
Thank again, Will.