WILL UNWOUND #561 – “The Bully Boss and You”
September 22, 2011How do you deal with a bully boss?
First, we must define a bully boss. I worked for two of them in my tenure as a public library director and a city manager. Their distinguishing characteristic was that they both used the following weapons to get their way:
- Fear, intimidation, and threats
- Ridicule
- The silent treatment
- Ostracism
- Organizational terror
- Lying
- Backstabbing
- Sociopathic behavior
- Public humiliation
- Enhanced interrogation techniques
- Psychological warfare
- Yelling and screaming
- Swearing
Working for a bully boss is a nightmare. The nightmare does not end at the conclusion of the work day. It is a 24/7 agony.
What is the best way to deal with a bully boss? Here are some strategies:
- Out of sight/Out of mind – Avoid this person at all costs. Sit in the back row at meetings. Keep a very low profile at staff social events. Use the bathroom farthest away from his/her office. Park in the outer parking lot. Have a variety of disguises (shades, mustaches, etc.) available in your desk drawer for emergencies.
- Become a Yes Man – Suck up to the bully with flattery, unconditional support, and a total surrender of your free will and self esteem. In short become a toady.
- Go Under Cover - Offer to be the bully’s staff spy. Bullies like to have their own personal KGB agents to keep tabs on what everyone is saying at the staff water cooler. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!
- Establish a connection with a good labor lawyer – Find out who the bully’s spies are and casually mention to them that you have a legal barracuda on retainer ready to charge the bully with a hostile work environment.
- Keep current with your monthly union dues – Bullies absolutely hate unions. Hate them!
- If you have to have daily contact with the bully get wired – Bullies are pathological liars so it’s very helpful to tape record your conversations with them.
- Stand up to the bully – Then dust off your resume.
- Vodka
- Prayer
Thoughts?
Fortunately I’ve only had one bully boss. While I was in college, I worked in a factory which bottled nail polish for one summer. The bosses spoke both Italian and English, but refused to speak English to the workers. This, of course, led to a number of mistakes because we didn’t understand the directions we were given. The result was the boss swearing at us, which we soon learned to recognize even if we didn’t know what we had done. It’s been more than 30 years, so now I can laugh at it, but it was very intimidating at the time. I was eventually laid off, and my father commented that he had never seen anyone so happy to lose a job. However, he had a little first hand experience with the company, too, when we still hadn’t received our final paycheck several weeks after termination. He ended up going in with me one time when I was told it would be another week or two before we were paid. He threatened to sue them, and I had my check a few days later; I don’t know how any of the other employees fared. I’ve always wondered if the nail polish business was a front for the Mafia. I’m sure I would have quit if it hadn’t been just a summer job–there was always an end in sight!
Margaret, what I find very telling about your narrative is that after all these years you still vividly remember this bully boss. Bullies cause a lot of lasting scars.
I’ve worked for and with some challenging people in the 28 years I’ve been in the working field; however, I am fortunate that I have never had a bullying boss.
And I don’t want one! My sympathies for anyone who has one!
Boris, one vodka tonic over here please.
Thanks, here’s a $20 tip.
Linda, I forgot….vodka is another coping strategy for the bully boss. I shall add that right now.
1. Why does everyone hate swearing?? Geez.
2. I’ve had one bully boss, and she told me that it would be a good idea for me to leave my position because she had me followed outside of work and had my fellow workers document my behaviors. So technically, I “quit,” she did not “fire me”.
3. Always keep your resume dusted off, regardless of the boss. I update mine ever 6 months unless nothing has changed.
4. Bosses, even the ones that are bullies don’t intimidate me much. Maybe because I have no problem swearing
AE…I shall have to do a post about swearing, which I do believe has it’s value. Maybe I will do it today.
We already had one Will. And I found myself in the minority. Most people think it is a sign of non-intelligence and low status.
1. Swearing in the workplace is like religion, alcohol, and romance. Some coworkers are very comfortable with it, while others become very uptight. I am not a big fan of swearing, but will do it occasionally when it is appropriate (like hitting my thumb with a hammer).
2. Depending upon when the incident occurred, you probably had a very good case to get your boss in troube for harrassment.
Since I don’t feel like posting elsewhere, my belief with a bully boss is to follow written guidelines where they exist, document everything the boss says to you or any action that they make in your direction, and don’t be afraid to stand up when you are right (but keep your resume up to date).
I can’t count the number of bully bosses but the absolute worst ones were in my time in the medical field, second runner up were engineers. There are good people in both fields but it is like finding a needle in a California or Texas wildfire. OMFG, I wish I had worn a wire for years!!!! Lacked the guts.
AE, none of the bully bosses I had cussed. Those who are bothered by cussing are limited in life in many ways including being more easily intimidated or bothered. Many bully bosses didn’t bother me as much as they did others at least on an every day basis. I cannot stand to watch others get mistreated & that is part of the hell of having one.
Regular exercise is required so that they don’t make you stroke out.
I stayed at the worst job with the worst bullies the longest as it had other money & retirement benefits but I regret those lost years.
Anonymous….because of this one bully I worked for I decided to destress by doing an intensive exercise regimen at lunch time. Big problem: I get to the gym and guess who is huffing and puffing on the stairmaster…the bully.
I didn’t answer your how to deal with them question. Exercise is #1, cross trainers especially. If you don’t stand up to bully bosses at least a bit you will definitely be the one they follow to the bathroom (as literally happened to a coworker) and who they hound night and day and schedule for every single holiday.
You can keep up with labor lawyers all you want in my state. All they will tell you is you ought to have known this is a “right to work” state, they can’t help you.
Scummy engineer boss (the dumbest of the lot by the way) told the entire break room one day that they got rid of their union organizer by raising the pay. (I was generally & regular harassed by management as the token liberal but that is not a protected class.) To keep out unions is why that job paid more than most around. So the union helped everyone but the organizer apparently didn’t manage to help himself. I toast him in thanks every now and again. My time in that hellhole helped my retirement.
I’d definitely wear a wire if I had it to do over again though if I had it to do over again I would never work in any of the same jobs, would never work outside of government or university employment though I know they can have problems. ALL of my bosses from hell were in the private sector which the Republican politicians love so much because they can harass at will.
If you have a bully boss, do befriend HR just in case that helps. Be aware HR will often tell bully boss everything you have said so watch what you say.
Document everything for whatever good that will turn out to do.
I know of one employee whose desk was ransacked and her documentation was stolen. Fortunately she was paranoid enough to keep photocopies at home.
Last but not least, NEVER let them (bosses) know what is the most important thing to you. This is where Facebook is a big problem I suspect, the real sickos learn your favorite holidays and favorite times to ask off.
People reveal way to much on FB. Makes them very vulnerable. Very good point.
My last boss was a bully. I worked in a small place and he was a tiny tyrant. What did I do?
First, I developed such tight muscles in my back that I wrenched my shoulder and spine out of whack and had to go to my chiropractor every 3 days for about 3 weeks. Then, because I couldn’t stop there, I developed TMJ.
But, I had a strategy — I decided to go to library school. While I had to hide it from my employer, and endure 3 years of extra stress, the final solution to the bully boss finally came the day I announced my 3 weeks’ notice and left to work at my library.
All snark aside, I agree with some of what people are suggesting here as far as coping techniques are concerned. However, when you’re in a really small office (we were 14 people), there was no HR, and no one to complain to. We all just developed our own coping strategies, and one by one, people left (only to be replaced by other people who attempted to stick it out). The one thing I did find to be helpful to relieve stress was to play video games — ones where I could run around killing monsters seemed to be the most effective.
Jo…I am now seeing violent video games in a whole new and postive light. Thanks for the enlightenment!
Tetris isn’t violent (not by my definition, anyway), but there is some evidence that it’s helpful for those who suffer from PTSD.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7813637.stm
Depending on how bad one’s bullying experience has been, PTSD is a possible aftereffect.
I’m speaking as someone who was bullied for years in school before college (where, thankfully, I found my tribe), and who has been in workplace situations since that reopened those wounds. I can’t speak for everyone who was bullied as a child, of course, but for me, those scars will never go away. I’ve gotten pretty good at working around them, but they will never vanish forever.
One bully boss I had when working at a Very Large Public Library was assigned to our branch after the supervisor who hired me moved on elsewhere in the system. Here are some of the ways she tried to intimidate me:
* Shortly after she was assigned to our branch, she came in early one morning and “cleaned” the office. The branch was very small, and the office area had room for only two desks. Since I was part-time, I had a inbox that was on top of the branch’s shelf list. In her zeal for “cleaning up,” she neglected to discuss with staff whIo was using what in the office, and either threw out or rearranged the contents of my box. She was very apologetic, and, IIRC, we were able to retrieve what she had “tidied away.”
* Once a month, the library system had what was called book inspection. As the name suggests, the acquisitions and adult services staff put out books that might be useful for various branches. After the Central Library fire, they held book inspection at a large branch library, which, among other amenities, had a good-sized parking lot.
I was scheduled to go to book inspection one time, and since the route to the branch where it was being held took me past my apartment, I stopped to get some money. When I got to the branch, someone gave me a message to call her. She berated me for not going directly to book inspection. Fortunately, the branch librarian she replaced was also at book inspection, so we discussed her behavior. (I should mention he was an officer of the union.)
* One year she decided to collect money for the United Way from the branch staff and send in her check for the amount of our tcontributions.
I had a bully boss at the Library from which I Retired. Among other things, he was always after me to clean up my office. He “punished” me for posting to another city employee (and I made the mistake of sending a copy of the message to his supervisor) because the employee never made changes in the library’s website that I suggested. (I was one of the first city employees to learn HTML, and had designed a web site for the library with direct links to free sites.) My punishment was to be taken off the web project.
I could go on with problems with the latest director, know to me as She Who Must Be Obeyed. (Hilda Rumpole was my role model, not the protagonist in SHE.)
I could go on….
Sue…tragically ….a very good narrative of the idiocy of bully bosses. The drive to the book inspection is a classic! Thanks for sharing. This comment is exactly what I am talking about.
It depends on your personality and the options available to you. No one strategy is recommendable across the board. But finding allies among your co-workers is one of the more effective ways of coping.
I agree with those who say that it is far worse in the private sector than it is in the public sector.
Wayne…problem is that some of these co-workers you may think are allies could really be spies. Bullies spread paranoia.
Once had a three week, very special, fully paid for in advance, vacation coming up. Five days before the flight, bully boss said I couldn’t take the vacation because she “needed” me. Calmly looked her in the eye, quoted to the penny how much she would be reimbursing me for the lost vacation, and suggested we go to the director’s office to discuss it together. She backed down.
Got away from her as soon as it was possible. She was mean and so full of anger I have never encountered the like before or since.
Jane, she probably needed therapy.
The only time I got a bully boss to back down after a profanity-laced tirade was to draft a memo back to him and all of the administrators that he had assembled, and to recap in the most neutral, professional language possible his demands and threats. This will take extreme skill and self-control. You need to write it so that you come off as the reasonable person instead of him.
Mine went something like “Thank you for the meeting today. I understand from our conversation that I am to….” and then put it all in writing.
They always tell supervisors to start a paper trail when you have a problem employee; this puts the boss on notice that you are starting a paper trail on him.
Betty, well done! Thanks. Great advice.
The only way I know to deal with a bully boss is to document, document, document and then get out. Your health and state of mind is worth leaving for. I spent several years with a bully boss and then moved on. I spent the last 6 months of my employment documenting the lies, comments to myself and other staff, the bullying behavior. I secured another position and then I went to the board.
Several months after I left that position, I saw a board member. He was very concerned with the things this boss had been saying about me. He asked if I had anything documented. I just smiled and said yes- everything.
Then what happened? Did they fire the bully?
She’s still there, but has been asked to retire. They recently advertized for a new director.
I had the King of Library Bullies for a director many years ago. If you made one mistake (usually a judgment call), a meeting of the full staff was convened for the purpose of berating that person in front of everyone. It was humiliating and horrible even for those not involved. I can’t remember him doing it to me specifically (I did get plenty of “advice”), but the one day he yelled at me in the staff offices, he said “To be a good administrator, you have to be a son of a b*tch.” I calmly replied “And you’re a good administrator.” That shut him up and he even chuckled. I had the last laugh when I testified (and had documented) that he had bought books with library funds for his own purposes. I had left long before after seeing a lawyer who recommended that I change jobs. I agree with Will and others that you should keep a low profile, do the best you can in your job, document everything, and get the hell out. These people are poison and they will never change. They will get others to spy for them (we called them “his favorites”) and the only relief is when you can commiserate with others who feel the same as you. I can’t imagine what it must be like if the bully focuses on only one person. We kept sane by bonding and talking about it with our colleagues. The bullies should be “outed” to their supervisors if that is at all possible. We didn’t do it until we were out of there and then he was prosecuted and all his possessions were conviscated. Bullying (not just embezzling) should be a crime.
Alice…bullying actually is a crime. It basically comes under the rubric of “hostile work environment.” This is an excellent comment. I hope folks read it and reflect.
Sorry about “confiscated”. This program doesn’t encourage proofreading…
30 years ago we didn’t know about “hostile work environments”. Heck we should have gone to the administration but didn’t know who was in his pocket. He once followed me to the Personnel Office when I complained about an employee. It was lesson learned in those days…
My husband taught me that if you get a bad boss, do exactly what they tell you and document every directive and every conversation. And I mean EXACTLY. You can often hang them on their own bad decisions, while engaging in effective CYA. It worked for me with the worst boss I ever had.
But seriously… if you can, get out.
ksol…unfortunately you are right. Getting out is often times the best way to prevent a nervous breakdown.
Considering what becoming a yes man/spy would do to your own self-respect, I don’t see that as a viable option.
My only advice: get out if you can. Unfortunately in this economy, that could take some time. While you are trying to get out, document everything.
kay…hunger and a roof over one’s head often trumps self respect. Unfortunately.
I’ve had one virulently bully boss in my library career, a library director who came on board to replace the person that hired me. The scenario was a nightmare for most of us, and we did everything described above: documented, went to the union, and most of us (including me) eventually just got out as fast as we could. That person eventually stepping stoned to a higher position in another institution –which I still find fascinating.
I have, however, had a suprising number of library supervisors that were passive-agressive. These folks weren’t usually top level administrators, more often middle management. In their own quiet ways, they were also bullies, or at least toal control freaks and psychological vampires. They were less obvious that the in-your-face bully, so they weren’t quite so bad. Still, too many of my job changes have been motivated by leaving working people who really shouldn’t have been “bosses” rather than in the interests of better income/professional advancement. Anyone else been there?
Shirl…maybe I should write a post about which is worse: the overt bully or the passive aggressive bully?
Will – probably the in-your-face bully, just because they are so brutal. Both sure are demoralizing. I think the narcissistic boss (per posting below) and the passive-aggressive boss are more insidious, so it is easier to get caught up in a co-dependent relationship and think you are at fault.
We had a bully boss, our previous director. She began her career here, at her first all-staff meeting, by saying “You are all ‘at-will’ employees.” And it kind of went downhill from there… The library board finally got wise to the situation and she no longer works here. I adopted the “Out of Sight – Out of Mind” approach myself.
We did have some Yes Men and Undercover agents…
Susan…very good point. Worst bully I worked for maneuvered to get as many employees on at will status as possible. This increased the bully’s intimidation quotient: “my way or the highway.”
I’m far more concerned with the narcissistic incompetent boss than on seen as a bully. It’s very easy to become a co-dependent to these people. You cannot rely on them for any sort of guidance; you do so at your peril. I ran into a personnel situation once where three of us supervisors did not know what to do. We went to the Director to ask, and out of our meeting we came up with a joint plan of action. The Director was fully on board. When the SHTF and got up to the Board level, the Director claimed she did not know about the issue. The Board wound up admonishing “the staff” for not keeping the Director informed.
We had all known that she was not playing with a full deck and needed some extra staff support, but I had not realized she was also a back-stabber. I never trusted her again. She would go after one person at a time, make their lives miserable, and find a way to get them to leave. When something good happened, she was quick to claim credit. When something bad happened, it was never her fault. When she directed her attention to me I waited until I could officially retire, and left, rather earlier and more suddenly than I wanted to, but still with a smile on my face. In the resulting turmoil of her being unable to properly replace me, she went after yet another manager, who was prompted to write a long and detailed letter to the Board detailing this person’s tactics and faults.
This time the Board listened, and the Director’s extended vacation became permanent. We all maintained the lie that she had left on her own. It’s really too bad that the job situation is so tight that people are afraid to leave when they really should. It goes back to the civil service being more security oriented, I think. On the whole, we are not the kind of stock that finds excitement in the “Go West, young man!” philosophy. As my wife says, “If I had lived in those days I never would have left Philadelphia!”
Nevertheless, these people surely do create a lot of unnecessary turmoil. In my opinion it’s the Peter Principle in action. People rise to their level of incompetence, then the whole organization suffers. I knew I would not make a good Director, so though I could make the case on paper, I never applied. I wish more people would take that approach.
…and that’s why I will never apply to be a supervisor. Paper and reality are two different things.
I currently work for a bully. He only bullies the female staff (but not me luckily) and I am sure is not even aware that is what he is doing. I have spoken to the Principal and discovered that my boss has tried to bully other staff in the school too. Doesn’t help my situation in the long term, but does reassure me that the Principal is VERY aware of our situation here and is working out how best to dispose of this guy. If all the planets align, I could end up as the next boss – apparently all the other staff have paid the Principal a visit too, indicating that’s what they want (blushes humbly). Everytime something happens, I document it and I encourage the other staff to do so too. Luckily we have a real feeling of esprit de corps and support each other. The hard part for me is that this guy really thinks I am okay with the way he speaks to my colleagues. I have told him saying things like “in other library services they get mentally retarded people to do your job” to staff is NOT the way to motivate them, but he just doesn’t get it! I am now biding my time to see him get hoisted by his own pitard. Meanwhile, I drink 2 glasses of robust Aussie red every night and cry on the drive home about twice a week. That seems to help.
Boris, a meaty Coonawarra Shiraz here thanks. Keep the change.
Boris, here’s $15 towards whatever sueo23 fancies this week. Hang in there, sueo23!
The director of the organization that I work for is a bully. We are all counting down the day until she retires. Her work history is littered with controversy and she has a bad reputation professionally. And yet, she got hired! I am amazed at the poor hiring processes that result in these bullies getting hired for top positions. They truly poison the work culture. They never get caught out, they just keep moving “up”
What an interesting forum and thanks for tackling this topic, Will Manley. As a private college librarian, I was just bullied by my boss last week. It shocked me to be treated so disrespectfully with several threats to close the library, false accusations aimed personally at me, intimidation tactics and subsequent retaliation because I declined to remove a book from the collection without a review. I always knew that defending Intellectual Freedom would cause controversy, but never expected to be personally abused for it. I reported it to another supervisor who was alarmed and in agreement about this destructive and inappropriate behavior, but when the issue went up the chain of command, I received little support. During this trying aftermath, I did some research and discovered just how prevalent the problem is in every workplace, as well as how little protection is typically given to the undeserving victim, particularly in a self-protective private company. I’m outraged and demoralized. I never meant for things to become such an ugly power struggle. If I make a bigger issue of it with ALA or within my own company, bridges will be burned and the problem will escalate. If I don’t pursue it, I will suffer and others in the future will, too. Any ideas?