“WILL UNWOUND #302: “Peace on Earth, Good Will to Twitterers”December 14, 2010
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He’s a procrastinator, but he does exist.
I know this because last year I wrote him my annual letter of gift requests. Since I am at the age where I am downsizing rather than upsizing my stuff, I asked him for all abstract things. Let’s see, I requested a consistently productive golf swing. That finally arrived a few weeks ago (11 months late). Number two on my list was a morning pre-school slot for grandchildren, Connor and Sophia, so that I could exercise my consistently productive golf swing on a daily basis. That came in August (8 months late). Then to top it all off I asked for peace on earth, and miracle of miracles…peace on earth has arrived.
Not sure when it did arrive, but I just noticed it last week. Hallelujah! When did you happen to notice that not only is the planet getting warmer, it is getting quieter?
People are no longer gabbing on their cell phones. They are texting. I first noticed this new aura of peace on earth in my local library the other day. Typically my reading and browsing is interrupted at least 3 times an hour by long, often inane, and sometimes shockingly revealing cell phone conversations. But not anymore! Hallelujah!
No more…“My boyfriend’s mother is dating his newly divorced second stepfather.” No more…”OmiGod…my dog got into the neighbor’s garbage pail and got egg shells stuck on his nose.” And no more…”Brenda’s husband has e.d. so they’re going to try a laboratory technique to get her pregnant.”
Hallelujah! I can now sit in the library and read Fagles’ robust translation of the Iliad as though I am living in ancient Greece. What happened to all the cell phones? They are now obsolete and have been replaced by a wide variety of ithingy texting machines.
Look around you. Well, actually, if you do look around, you will be the only one looking around. Everyone else is looking down at their ithingy and moving their thumbs rapidly. The other day I took the train home from the Oakland Airport and in my car there were three couples together but separate. Each half of each couple had their own ithingy and they were all thumbs up and thumbs down in a frenzy of activity. So cool….so quiet. I love the new solipsism! I’m already into chapter 8 of the Fagles’ translation.
I used to say that twitterers were twits. Not anymore. Now I think they’re twitterific!
There is one slight problem – psychologists are becoming worried that all this texting may be harmfully obsessive…to relationships, to teens, and to the mental health of twitterers. Supposedly, teens are now sending out a text every five minutes and adults are not much more restrained. Apparently, texters feel the need to respond to twits and texts asap. That’s obviously where the obsessiveness comes in. Good grief, do they have that much to say? And won’t all this texting cut into their time to read?
What do you say, Unwinders? Is texting good or bad for the planet?